As one self-admitted procrastinator, I’ve had it in my head now (35) since I was at least 15 that I ought to write a book. Topic/subject -unknown. Just an outpouring, I suppose. I tried writing a diary, got fed up with that pretty sharpish…well, that’s a bit of a lie, I wrote one for ages but it was so depressing I ended up lobbing it in the river after setting it on fire. Anyway, I got fed up, point is, I didn’t stick to it. I think I either lack or hate commitment. Or I lack/hate it because I can’t do it. I don’t get it. Or I can do it and I do want it but for some reason I’m rebelling against it. Reason probably being that I’m told we should aspire to it. My mind wanders far too easily. My mind wanders far too easily in the pursuit of something else that I believe in that micro-second will somehow, ultimately fulfil me. Like, what I’m pursuing right now isn’t correct and I’m thrusting myself upon something new and different before I’ve even begun the thing that ignited my interest in the first place!

I’m very well practised in the art of hedonistic self-indulgence. And as such, I’m inclined, frequently, to question my capabilities in any other area which may require setting longer term goals… After having always been told I should stick to this or that, or in fact having been told I lack the capability of sticking to anything, my question is this – and what? So? Is it a prerequisite of happiness or contentment (2 different things-hold that thought) that we must abide by this law of sticking to things?

So I get the impression people believe that in order to be happy we should be in a ‘stable’ state of being. A stable relationship or a stable job or a stable living arrangement. In order for us to be deemed successful and happy and therefore to have achieved, it must be perceived as permanent. I’m somewhat conflicted by this idea. I like my life to a degree. It’s mediocre. I have a wonderful family and friends. I like my job, kinda. Essentially, I’m alright, it’s OK.

I feel like we’re continually told that we should be grateful and count ourselves lucky because other people have it worse. There’s always someone worse off. Despite this being an entirely true fact, in the same vein should we not also then berate ourselves for underachieving because so many others have it better?


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